Recompense
by White Stone
Summary: Ben is crying. Flashback.


**Recompense**

**By:** Amee Eliza

**Summary:** Ben cries for the first time in a long time.

**Words:** 789

**Rated:** K plus

**Dedicated to:** My loving sister Lissie66. Who loves to bite, punch, and hit. Bad wiwuah!

Ben was crying.

He let out steam and a sob was born forth.

He was alone in his room leaning against his bed for support.

He didn't know if he was crying for her. Juliet. Or maybe Annie who was his only friend? Whom he loved passionately but never let out. Oh! It was so hard to not let out the truth that he loved her.

His heart was soaked and he wanted to squeeze it out. Juliet.

He tried to make his thoughts abundant to her, but now she judged that he had been the cause for Goodwin's death.

A little prick with the needle was all it would take for Ben to go mad at that moment. Rage was in his voice and he felt like breaking a branch to release those deadly toxins of emotions.

Ben was always in control yet when he stood before her that day he lost it.

She wept over his rotting corpse and he knew like the dead body any affection Juliet would ever feel for him was dashed.

He wanted her. But she didn't need Benjamin Linus. She was a strong woman and Ben admired it. Her mind was beautiful; her research inspiring. Ben almost believed she could find the cure. But she didn't, and as time wore on Ben saw that there was no way to unmask the reason the pregnant women kept dying.

But Juliet became a part of the island and a part of Ben's life.

If only he could tell her everything.

Those blue eyes of her's had such a caring look, but so cruel and her hair was radiant like summer and spring. Her spirit was vivacious and yet so much was hidden.

Ben knew Juliet was having a relationship with Goodwin. No one had to tell him. He knew. It wasn't like it would take the wizard of Oz to solve the puzzle. Their exchanged looks, their mutual look of lust and understanding. She would go missing and he would. At first he thought it didn't matter and he bitterly shrugged it off and replaced it with his duties. But sometimes when he was silent he thought about it, mulled over it like stepping stones. Why was he not good for her?

"I love her." He acknowledged.

The knowledge of the affair built up. Like a stormy anger. He regarded Goodwin with a calm coolness and stopped going to the medical station to see Juliet. But when he heard her cry he rushed in. Wanted to make her stop her blubbering. He should be sad! She betrayed his trust and let him down!

"Juliet, please stop crying."

Juliet looked at him warmly for a moment.

"Ben, I can't do it." She sobbed.

"If one more patient dies, I think I'll kill myself."

Ben got down to her level , "Juliet, you're going to enjoy many more sunrises." He replied back, his voice reassuring. He got up and preceded to leave.

"Ben, Harper tells me things."

Ben choked when he heard her voice unexpectantly. Speculation was crossing in his mind.

"She says I remind you of someone and that's the only reason you pay attention to me."

Ben thought and turned to face her.

Juliet's legs were sticky from sitting on the floor so long, and she got up wobbly.

Ben said, "Harper doesn't know what she's talking about."

Juliet didn't believe him and he could tell.

"Harper thinks she know me, but she does not." He emphasized "she does not" with a deeper tone. Ben walked from the medical station canceling his feelings.

He knew that being alone was better than being together in a cage. He needed freedom in all dimensions. His heart could not bear being murdered any longer. So, as he thought upon it all he decided he glad it was over but a scream for deliverance blew out inside him.

"Juliet, you'll never know how much you mean to me." Ben whispered in his sheets. His tears stung and his nose was stuffy. The ocean called him to remember the day she sat by him on the rocks. She stroked his back and it made him feel strangely important. No one had touched him like that before. His father never showed affection and his mother was dead.

Dead.

Ben realized he brought an end to life but how would that end? Where would his recompense come from? Nothing could stop him. Love was out of reach and his own actions fuel his despair. Sometimes he didn't know how to pause his convictions and they made him sick like a barfing child. He was stunned at how hungry he was. And he cried again. The cry was unanswered. Like it should be. Here, was his recompense.

* * *

**Author's note:** This came rather out of nowhere and I but my best in it. Love it or hate it. Reviews are welcome and please no cussing. I think Ben is capable of all this: crying, regret, and love. I hope you can see why I used the words I used and how I am trying to explain the inner conflict. 


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